


Teaching Is So Easy (And Other Lies Within the 'Holy' Monastery)

by Pepsi (Pepsiiii)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Male My Unit | Byleth, Multi, My Unit | Byleth Has Emotions, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Some Plot, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26833315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pepsiiii/pseuds/Pepsi
Summary: “So what’s the new professor like?”Claude takes a long sip of his tea, being sure to burn his tongue a bit on the hot, overly sweet blend in hopes that ruining his main means of communication will mince his words more than his brain can.“Oh he’s a dick. ““What?”Ah, the plan failed. Damn. Time for plan B.“He’s hot though, don’t worry.”OR; Byleth meets his students, his other students, and realizes that church kids are fucking weird.A series of somewhat strung along stories following a worryingly violent Byleth having a good time with his loving (yet also violent) golden deers and Co.
Relationships: Golden Deer Students & My Unit | Byleth, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Claude von Riegan, Yuris Leclair | Yuri Leclerc/My Unit | Byleth
Kudos: 72





	Teaching Is So Easy (And Other Lies Within the 'Holy' Monastery)

**Author's Note:**

> This game is so fucking funny bro I can't. 
> 
> I'm sorry if my Byleth feels really fucked in comparison to canon or fanon. I'm new and also don't much care either way because I'm having lots of fun. Let's see how soon we can guess mu favorite characters yeah?
> 
> Sorry for any typos my dear readers. Enjoy

“So... what’s the new professor like?” Sylvain asks as they sip their tea together. Burned his tongue a bit but that kept him awake so it was probably fine (Sylvain hasn't been able to taste things for going on 5 years now).

Claude takes a long sip of his tea, being sure to burn his tongue a bit on the hot, overly sweet blend in hopes that ruining his main means of communication will mince his words more than his brain can. 

“Oh, he’s a dick. “

“ _What_?”

Ah, the plan failed. Damn. Time for plan B.

“He’s hot though, don’t worry.”

_"Ooohh.."_

^

Against his better judgment, Byleth liked his students. 

Sure, they were loud and annoying and had a tendency to take one thing he says mid-lesson and talk about it aimlessly for 20 minutes, getting them off track and forcing Byleth to cough into his fist or, assuming he wasn’t feeling especially chatty, drop one of his sharper swords on the desk (a quick way to silence them all), but he cared about them. 

That’s why, and he did this for every new student he requested to join his class, he made it _very_ clear that none of them scared him. At all. 

Which isn’t to say his students (or any of the students in the monastery) aren’t capable of violence. He’s 100% sure, with a bit of manipulation and completely broken morals, that most of the students (not just his) could cause real harm. But unfortunately for Byleth’s never-ending ‘bloodlust’ as the kids called it (it wasn’t _bloodlust._ He worked purely for money and also because his dad told him to. He has no real qualms about killing but it wasn’t something he got enjoyment out of. In the same way, Manuela goes from room to room every night with increasingly younger men, he kills—yet he’s never heard whispers in the halls about Manuela and her never inescapable ‘ _wanderlust’_ but it’s whatever) he isn’t feeling like much of a moral breaker as of late. His never-ending need for carnage must wait, for he is but a humble teacher with papers to grade

Actually, now that he’s on the topic (grading is so _dull,_ anything would be more interesting than pretending like he knew what he was marking right and wrong. Byleth was good at math, sure, but everything past that and war tactics? He was rudimentary _at best_ ) the students of this school are already pretty violent. 

Or maybe that was just those fucking deer of his.

Nah, no— that had to be everyone… maybe it was just a rich kid thing. Nobles and their boredom and all that, a dangerous state of being for a creature with the world at their fingertips. He had seen it, the way they’re quick to temper and lash out; the constant training too hard (which they’re also doing _wrong._ Byleth really doesn’t get how you can beat each other into the ground until you’re black and blue, exhausted from whatever the fuck you just spent 30 minutes doing without pause, and still be completely wrong in your forms and attack styles. A waste of time and energy if you asked him. But, _thanks to the other professors shitty betting practices_ —not money at least); their, _frankly_ , worrying lack of self-preservation— just to name a few things. 

Now, to be fair, Byleth hadn't ever been surrounded by hormonal teenagers and young adults for 24 hours a day before. But he had assumed that kids (they aren’t even really kids … well they’re in school so…) at this age were hornier than anything else. He hadn’t seen any horny action yet, thankfully, but then again if he happened to be horny within a public academy where many important names would be loitering (because that’s all anyone in this damn place did— _loiter_ ) around, waiting time catch someone in the act, Byleth probably wouldn’t do it where a nosy teacher could see either. 

“ _Professor_!”

Ah, one of the previously assumed horny but now obviously known to be somewhat violent students appears! Two of them actually. Quaint!

“Hey Teach.”

Lorenz and Claude… his ‘favorite pair’. He liked Claude. A lot. He wasn't going to try to explain why or anything (didn't fucking know himself) but he did. Lorenz on the other hand... was... very annoying but, _and this is assuming he isn't talking about his current social status or harassing some girl,_ he wasn't hard to be around. Almost sweet, in a backward-shitty " _Congrats you're almost tolerated!"_ kinda way.

“Claude. Lorenz. Can I help you?”

Lorenz is pissed, but then again he’s always pissed or up-tight or stuffy or something like that. Claude in contrast is leisurely walking in behind Lorenz, smiling as if this was little more than a friendly get-together between his two closest C rank friends. Maybe, coworkers he saw sometimes outside of his allotted hours? Nothing specific enough to warrant a bright smile— that’s what Byleth is _trying_ to say. Claude is doing that weird thing he does, Byleth notices it a lot, where he stands and seemingly stretches his arms up but then keeps them folded behind his head. It’s weird. Byleth looks back at Lorenz. 

“Professor! Excuse my tone and the sudden ruckus we might’ve made during such a crucial time in your day—”

“It’s just paper grading _your_ _nobleness_.” The smile in Claude’s voice is bigger than the one on his face.

“BUT- Claude has insulted me once too many for one day. I cannot simply just accept the things he’s saying about me and the nobles of this great land! He slanders our very existence with his own, lesser-known… existence!”

Byleth looks at Claude and raises an eyebrow. 

“I just said he looks like his dad doesn’t hug him.”

Damn. Byleth can see it, but damn. 

( _See_? The kids in this place are _fucking evil._ He can usually respect that but mind tricks and verbal assaults are something Byleth couldn’t ever hope to counter or understand in this life. He can kill a man with half a brick and a bucket of grass but god forbid he has to insult his way out of any given situation)

“Do you want to apologize?”

Claude looks surprised for a moment, probably because Byleth even asked, and smiles brighter. Looks fake— but less.

“Wow Teach… I’m flattered! But I don’t think I said anything _wrong_ per se, so no. I’d rather not since I have the option.”

Loosen sputters and looks at Byleth, a hurt ‘ _what the fuck Professor?’_ To which Byleth asks:

“Lorenz do you _want_ an apology?”

“I- I would appreciate one, yes! It’s insulting to be told, to even insinuate that my father- regal man that he is- has never … held me.”

Byleth nods and opens the drawer next to him. The boys have begun bickering a bit, nothing worth listening to, but are snapped out of their argument when they hear the loud ‘ _clang’_ of two bricks falling on the desk in front of them.

“If you can’t talk out an understanding, use these.”

“ _What?”_

“Haha, _holy shit_ , Teach…”

“Whoever is unable to talk first loses. Winner gets what they want.”

Both boys just stare. Lorenz grows pale as Claude nervously chuckles.

“I’ve found throwing, as a means to a quick end, is a good idea. If you do, aim for the face or the privates.”

“W- we… you don’t want us to talk … it out? Amicably? As men should?”

“Haha, _holy shit_.”

“Take the bricks. _Figure it out_. Clean them before returning them.” Byleth explains as he picks them up (both in one hand) and holds them out for the boys to take.

Claude coughs into his hand a bit, he changed poses once the bricks came out, and speaks up.

“Haha, you know what— Lorenz, buddy, I’m sorry. That was out of hand. My bad!”

“I- … thank you. I’m sorry for… taking it so seriously… it was just a jest. That is all, wasn't it Claude?”

“Of course! Nothing more! So we’re good?”

Should they hug? He remembers hearing something about kissing and hugging it out when apologizing to friends. He would suggest it but both boys seem to have it handled so Byleth just leaves it be. 

“Just grand.” Lorenz says. Byleth probably isn't smiling but he feels good. Better than before at least. Not bored anymore either.

They both smile at Byleth and bow a bit, doing their best to shuffle out of the room without seeming too scared.

Byleth looks at the bricks on the desk (chipped, a bit stained from prior use) and thinks that he’s such a good fucking teacher, it hurts. Maybe this kid stuff wouldn’t be _that_ bad...

**Author's Note:**

> HMU on Twt @MrsHaiiba and talk to me about FE and more specifically the golden deer. Please comment if you enjoyed and once again, thanks for reading! Means a lot


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